I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
