Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
