I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
