grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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