i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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