Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
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