Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
