she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
