So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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