I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I fill condoms, not promises.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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