once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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