May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
