so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
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