Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
