Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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