Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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