Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize