I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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