1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
How many fucks given?
0.12846
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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