i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
is that a dick in a sweater?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
