She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize