Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Green mimosas i think yes
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
