so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
