So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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