i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
and she was petting her beer can
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
