why im i the only drunk person in the library?
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
