the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
