Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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