Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
third nipple confirmed
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Randomize
