I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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