Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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