the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
