How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
