so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize