She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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