every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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