Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
