I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
