I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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