when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
You took a bar mat shot.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
