You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
