i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
