I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
the gays at disneyland are vicious
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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