That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Randomize
