yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
