i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
