dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Randomize