I could make wine with my vomit
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
