in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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