She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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