Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Success! We fucked roommates!
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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