I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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