What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
