i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
