Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
