i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
