I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
