Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize