This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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