Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
