Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
