They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
