my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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