I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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