Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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