Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
