the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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